Rebirth Read online

  I never understood Earl. I always felt as though he hadn’t given himself the opportunity to vent, to feel after everything went to shit, after the Reaper. But upon witnessing that spectacle, playing with Joel’s hand as though it were a toy, I think I understood him better. It wasn’t that he hadn’t allowed himself to feel. It was that he couldn’t feel. He talked a good game, he made others feel, but he himself, I don’t think he had the capacity. What did they call that in life? A psychopath?

  *****

  That evening no one slept. If they weren’t in the addition, located over the 3 car garage (on guard duty), they were in the bedroom with Joel and I. I tended to him at his bedside. Earl remained in the addition, in Skylab, hopefully embarrassed over his actions in the bathroom. His thoughtlessness, his blatant disregard for my feelings and those of the others… to play with a severed limb, a limb that used to belong to your friend… It was beyond comprehension, and beyond contempt.

  “Earl is an asshole,” Caroline agreed after I’d told her what I’d seen.

  “I wanted to jam it down his throat, see if he thought that was funny.” I gazed at Joel as he slept under the covers. I held his right hand in mine and leaned in close to listen to his breathing. It was erratic. “He’s going to become a real problem if Joel doesn’t wake up…”

  “Earl?”

  “Yeah.”

  Our conversation ended with the arrival of Sonny. Sonny was one of Joel’s biggest supporters, figuratively and literally. Sonny, though he had lost a fair bit of weight over the past few months (like the rest of us) still carried a substantial frame, big-boned and muscular.

  “Hey, Sara, Caroline.”

  “Hey, Sonny,” I answered. Caroline smiled and nodded.

  “Can I talk to you, Sara?” He eyed Caroline. “Outside?”

  I looked at Caroline and passed Joel’s hand to her. “Can you stay with him awhile?”

  “No problem.” Caroline took my place at the bedside. I followed Sonny down the staircase and out the front door.

  “How are you holding up?” I asked him, hands in my pockets. The night sky was clouding over; a breeze hit us from the south, warm for January.

  Sonny took a seat on the concrete porch. I stepped around the dark discoloration that stained its center as I had a hundred times before. A bloody reminder of past victories.

  “I’m confused, Sara,” the big guy admitted. “What happened here today, the flags, Connor, and now Joel…. I thought we had it all figured out. I thought we were winning this thing.”

  I sat down next to him and wrapped an arm over his bulging shoulders. “I’m at a loss too,” I conceded. “I can’t understand how, if we have a guardian angel watching over us, how he would let something like this happen.”

  “Exactly, right. What the fuck? Worst fucking guardian angel ever.” He snickered, despite himself. I smiled, shaking my head.

  “What happened up there?” I knew what he was talking about. “Joel isn’t the type, is he?”

  “I didn’t think so, Sonny.” I pulled my hair off my face and tied it in a ponytail. “I’m not convinced he did this himself.”

  Sonny looked at me, confused.

  “What I mean is, I don’t think he did this freely. I think the drugs, the pressure, and the flags might have had a hand in this.” I didn’t dare tell him my deepest fear. That Joel couldn’t live with himself, that Joel may have deliberately caused Connor’s death.

  “That adds up. I mean, none of us know what he’s been dealing with. Then the flags show up and off Connor.” His fists tightened into balls. “Glad I got my shot in.” Sonny had reacted first when the flags moved in on us, crushing a man’s nose with his fist and knocking him unconscious. Connor then pleaded with us not to react. It was as though he knew his fate and didn’t want us to suffer similarly.

  “Listen, Sonny, don’t let Earl talk you guys into something you don’t want to do.”

  “Sara, the only thing I want to do right now is wipe them out. All of them. Make them eat that fuck’n flag.”

  I guess I knew that was coming. I left it alone and went to go back inside.

  “He didn’t tell you anything, eh?” Sonny raised his voice as I opened the front door. “Joel?”

  I froze a moment, not sure how to answer that question.

  “You saw what happened, Sonny,” I started. “He accused Connor and I of having an affair, then went berserk, hit Connor, and left. You know about as much about where he went and what he was thinking as I do. What are you asking?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “If you don’t have the balls to ask it, then don’t think it.”

  He must have known I would defend Joel. I knew what he was asking, it was a terrible thought to entertain, but the motive was there. So was the letter.

  I moved inside and shut the door behind me.

  *****

  On my way to Joel’s room that same evening, I caught Freddy and Kevin mid-conversation in the hallway. Satisfied they hadn’t heard me, I eavesdropped.

  “Why wouldn’t we follow Earl?” That was Kevin. “Earl knows what he’s doing, shit, he counseled Joel half the time.”

  “I’m not against it Kev, I’m not. If I have to make the choice I’ll stand behind Earl. Sara’s the only other person here to rally behind and I’m not getting behind a girl, Joel’s girlfriend or not.”

  I winced and choked down indignation at Fred’s insult. What was worse was that they had already written Joel off. I bowed my head, fiddling with the cup in my hands, fighting to keep my mouth shut.

  “That’s what I mean, Fred. Sara will have Seth and Caroline on her side for sure, and I’m guessing Sid. I think he and Caroline are sleeping together.”

  “I’m pretty sure Sonny is behind Earl. He wants revenge on those prick flags as much as me.”

  “Then the house is split. 4/4. How will we have a leader?” Kevin sounded perplexed.

  “Well, whatever happens, we’re stronger than they are. They couldn’t do much to stop us from taking control.”

  Jesus, Earl had his hooks in Fred. I almost dropped the glass in my hand.

  “Probably not,” agreed Kevin. “Two girls, a queer and Sidney.”

  “Queer?”

  “Yeah, pretty sure Seth is gay.” “Really?”

  “I don’t know, probably.”

  “Whatever. Listen, we’d better get back up to Skylab. You got the movies?”

  “Yup. Earl will like these,” I could hear the DVD’s shake in their boxes as Kevin rattled them. “Lots of blood and guts!”

  I listened as they left. It was a terrifying conversation to have overheard. Fred and Kevin had just pledged their allegiance to Earl, calling four friends nothing more than an inconvenience.

  Chapter Five

  Joel died the following day, making my nightmare complete. We buried him in the backyard, next to Connor. We were experiencing one of the most profoundly distressing periods in our short lives. This was comparable with losing our families in the initial blasts. This was what I’d remembered being lost felt like as a child. Panicked. I had lost my best friend, the man I’d loved - the knowledge that I would never have that back was suffocating me. I couldn’t bring myself to be at the funeral. I wasn’t with him. This was a final regret. I wasn’t at his side when he’d passed on. Had he asked for me? Had he spoken at all? I hadn’t asked Caroline. She had been with him. All I could feel was grief mixed with envy. She’d seen his final moments. I should never have agreed to sleep. I had exhausted myself with him all night. And so I had missed his final breath.

  *****

  In the very early hours of the morning, before Joel left me, I had laid with him in bed, under the covers, remembering something I’d said to him once. It was the night before the big fight with Connor. He had been exhausted (high no doubt) but he was lying in bed, looking contented. It was a look of calm.

  “I like you best like this,” I’d said to him.

  “On my back or asleep?”


  “Calm. At peace”

  He had that look now. No expression passed over his face as I listened to his shallow breathing.

  I laid there beside him, stroking his dirty blonde hair, keeping it out of his eyes at first, and then just repeating the motion. I could imagine we were still living the summer months before everything went to hell. We were new, our relationship was in its infancy, but we’d shared so much in such a short time that we could just lay there and not speak. He would indulge me, let me stroke his hair, kiss his shoulder. This usually followed a passionate and impressively lengthy session of lovemaking. I’d only been with one other boy before Joel and that was anything but impressive. Not that I had much experience to draw from, but a girl knows what a girl wants.

  At three in the morning Joel spoke once more. It wasn’t profound, at least, not at the time. It seemed almost sad that this was what he’d said with his last opportunity to communicate to me. “Go North,” he whispered, catching me completely off guard.

  “Wha-what?” I whispered back. He did not reply. “Joel…” I sat up, took his head in both my hands and leaned into him. “Joel?” Tears welled up in my eyes and fell on his face. “Say that again,” I pleaded. “Say it again, Joel.” I lifted his eyelids and stared into his eyes, though they had rolled up into the back of his head. I shook him. “Please… Joel, say that again. Say something, anything. Please!” Realizing he was not going to speak again, I set his head onto the pillow and cried for hours.

  *****

  The first few days after Joel’s passing were numbing. Upon hearing the news from Caroline and falling to my knees, my mind went a mile a minute. I stared at the floor, my unblinking eyes darting back and forth. A hand on my back, meant to comfort me, felt like nothing. I stood and called Caroline a liar. I couldn’t grasp that he wasn’t coming back, that one evening Joel wouldn’t just wake up and turn to me and smile. I wasn’t prepared for this. Though I had tried to be logical, understanding that the blood loss, the time spent underwater, and his comatose state did not bode well for his chances, I had convinced myself that his survival was a real possibility.

  I charged to the bedroom and stopped short of the door. I stared at Joel on the bed, studying his torso, watching for his chest to rise and fall. They might have been wrong, they might not have checked everything, they weren’t doctors. What did they know? I moved to the bed. Had they checked his pulse? Had they listened for his breathing? As the questions ran through my head I pressed my finger to his jugular, and my ear to his mouth, desperate for any sign.

  “I tried CPR too, Sara,” Seth had followed me as far as the door. I shot a look at him and he stepped back, his eyes falling to the floor.

  “Do you even know CPR?” I asked spitefully. His hand went up limply and I started the life saving technique, straddling Joel, pushing violently down on his chest, desperate to restart his heart. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, “Breathe!” I shouted at him. His face was white. I tilted his head, pinched his nose and sealed my mouth around his. I blew hard and long into his lungs, encouraged by the rise in his chest. I repeated the process time and again until after a half hour I was pulled off him, physically exhausted and emotionally crushed.

  For days after his burial I replayed his voice in my head, remembering only the good, only the special moments. I couldn’t bring myself to think a single negative thought about him. Instead I ran through all the scenarios that would never be. I’d lost everything. He was my every day, in my every thought. How could I survive this place without him? Who would I read to at night? Who would I sleep next to? Who would I share my most intimate thoughts with? The lost opportunities endlessly played out in my mind. I was utterly heart-sick and spent many of the days to follow alone in his room, our room, bed-ridden.

  Caroline would visit often and was really the only person I would let in. I let her into my head and into my heart. We’d relive shared memories of Joel and occasionally I would find myself laughing out loud with her as the stories became more ridiculous.

  “He was an incredible person,” I said, and in saying that aloud, talking about him in past tense, I realized he was gone for good, physically at least. Caroline embraced me as the corners of my smile pulled downward. Caroline was a really good person, someone I wished I’d known better in life. She brought me back from the brink, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

  I’d decided she would be the first to hear my news, something that would change everything. I had suspected it for months, and I had no way of being entirely certain yet. But sometimes you just know. And I knew.

  “I’m pregnant, Caroline,” I told her as we sat on the back balcony, taking in a rare afternoon of clear blue skies.

  Her mouth opened but no sound came. An expression of fear seemed to pass over her pretty face, a darkness that didn’t disappear for some time. Finally, after digesting what I’d told her, and all of its implications, she responded.

  “Are you certain? I mean, could you be wrong?” A fair question: it wasn’t like we had any pregnancy tests on hand. I hadn’t had a period in about two months, but it was more than that. My body felt different -heavier. I felt already a yearning for it. To see this child I could feel growing inside me. I couldn’t have been more than 10 weeks along. But already I felt like a mother.

  “Yes, I’m sure.”

  “That’s wonderful news, Sara.” She smiled, attempting true happiness, despite the circumstances. “Joel’s?”

  “Yes, of course.” I took the defensive. “You didn’t believe anything Joel had accused me of with Connor did you?”

  “You’d never said either way.” She lowered her head. I took her chin in my hand and brought her eyes to mine. “It’s Joel’s. My God, of course it’s Joel’s.” I shuddered, realizing I was the only one of us alive who could confirm or deny this. “Is that what the others think? Do they think I cheated on Joel with Connor?”

  “No, I – I don’t know Sara. I shouldn’t have asked that. I’m sorry.”

  “I just don’t want there to be any confusion when I tell everyone.” I already felt protective of my unborn child.

  “Are you sick? What do they call it? Morning sickness?”

  “Not really. Not everyone gets that though.”

  “I guess not.” I could tell she wasn’t convinced of my state.

  “Caroline,” I said, smiling. “I’m pregnant.”

  Caroline finally smiled convincingly. The darkness disappeared. “It’s great news, Sara.”

  “Thanks. I’m really scared, but excited too.” I stood and paced a moment. Turning to her I felt tears resurfacing. “It feels like an incredible amount of responsibility. And this isn’t exactly the best time or place to have a baby.”

  Caroline stood too and placed her hands on my shoulders, calming my nerves. “People have been having babies in worse places than this. I’ll help of course, I’ll do whatever you need doing. And you’re a med student, or would have been…”

  Had the world not taken a turn for the worse, I would have been at one of the finest universities in the country, pre-med. I had been given the opportunity in my final year of high school to co-op with the local hospital where I had witnessed two live births. I just shook my head and hugged her hard. She hugged me back.

  Sharing the news had settled me into my new existence. Though I would miss Joel every time I laid my head down to sleep, in every room I entered and every time I looked in the shattered bathroom mirror, I would recover in the knowledge that he would live on in his child. And I would love this child more than I could ever have loved him. I would need to, to make up for the cruelty of bringing a new life into this uncertainty.

  While I was making ready for a new life, Earl was making ready for a war.

  Chapter Six

  A week passed before I shared with Caroline, Sid and Seth what had happened before Joel had died. What he had whispered, impossible as it seemed, in his dying breaths.

  “North? Earl and the guys said not to go north,” r
eminded Sidney. After we’d successfully beaten back the flag army, Earl, Sonny and Fred had followed them north to be sure they had travelled far enough, that they would no longer pose a threat to our continued survival. In the time since the bombs fell, several caravans of survivors had passed our fortress. Some we had the opportunity to speak with. All were headed north towards something unknown that was beckoning them on. Their fate became clear when Earl explained what his crew had seen. Two days’ march from our position was a vast, mass grave that stretched on for miles. Burnt out vehicles and bodies strewn across the asphalt. They recommended that we not cross that path, that we stay put.

  “I don’t know why he said it, but that’s what he said.” I lowered my voice as we had gathered in the kitchen. I drank a glass of the semi transparent water, the well compromised by months of fall-out and radioactive rain early on in the Apocalypse.